I think the only moments I write in here anymore are when I'm depressed and/or stressed. I came back from dinner and a movie with a friend on this snowy Saturday and I was like...deadpan. I wish I were home. My sisters are making brownies and watching shit on the magical huge tele that speaks to the interwebs. What are my social options at this hour? Ah, yes. Kimberly turns 21. As much as I love Kim, do I really feel like trekking in the horrible snow to go on my first ever bar crawl? Not really.
Introversion: because sometimes, you just want to sit in your room and chill out, brah.
Blink.
- Depressed
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go_jess_go- January 21st, 23:32
- What I really want atm....
-
- go_jess_go
- January 21st, 0:38
So Aubrey Anderson-Emmons plays the new Lily in Modern Family aka one of my favorite shows. As many Modern Family enthusiasts have discovered, much of her infancy and toddlerhood has been chronicled by her mother on Youtube and so I just spent a good chunk of my time watching videos of little Aubrey.
She is SO cute. I really just want some little tykes, all with sweet round little cheeks.
Just kidding. (But no seriously, temporarily, on loan right this minute that would be real cool.)
(I still remember when Erica was little. I loved her sweet, cherubic lil face even then. Something about lil' kids with round little faces :D Still, Erica's more fun now at 11 than she was when she was a big old blob.)
- LIKES
-
- go_jess_go
- January 12th, 22:09
"Dress like a protagonist." - James A. Owen
In the spirit of my previous entry, I am going to start living my life as if it were a movie. This means less internet and TV, because, as Chuck Palahniuk wisely writes in his latest book, Damned, "Watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead." I'm not dead. I'm a living breathing human being and I like to do stuff. I am passionate about this life and other people and I am energized. (Sha-bam!)LIKES
Riding my bike
Walking
Running
Stretching
Dancing
READINGGGGGGGG
Learning (which encompasses note-taking, outlining, practice question taking)
Teaching kids things
Singing
Playing tennis
Making infants cryThe last bit was obviously something of a joke ¬_¬ (key word: something), but I truly believe that the most successful people in life practice a generosity of spirit and PASSION, as Dr. Stricker said in his Wednesday lecture. So in my reflection today, I want to incorporate passion, activity, energy, and generosity into my constantly improving life (which, as I said, I will try to live with a philosophy of "a movie" in mind).
Twirling off to sleep now, because it is dark and rainy and the time for sleep...A small side note about this time of day: I loath to take my boots off. For all the occasional stray thoughts where I think: "My goodness, these boots are heavy and my feet are so weak and lazy with their atrophied muscles." (-_- >_< AAHH SHAME.) For all of those thoughts, I hate taking my boots off at night because my feet feel vulnerable and exposed to the cold, cold world. No socks will shield them so well as boots but alas! Shoes are unsanitary, etc. etc. If my mother were here, I wouldn't even have the luxury of wearing my boots in the house...well. Actually if I lived at home WHICH I AM DETERMINED TO DO FOR THE NEXT PHASE OF MY EDUCATION my house would be well heated because I would be able to control the temperature. Goofy apartment building. Grr.
- WendysLookBook/Revelations
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- go_jess_go
- January 12th, 21:51
While I wouldn't say that I'm one of those "fashion girls", our physical self is our interface with the wider world and as such it is unsurprising that so many people enjoy fashion--translating our vision of our inner selves and bringing it forth into the wider world. Today I was surfing the internet--more on this later--and I stumbled upon WendysLookBook. Initially I dismissively thought: another stylish Asian. But so drawn to her aesthetic as I was--unfussy but with very a very clear, individual sartorial voice--I read on and I found out that this beautiful, fantastically dressed lady had had a sad past. She was a child of the foster system in California and had to work very, very hard during her adolescence. Now, most American teens work as she did, but most do not stress about their 18th birthday for fear of becoming homeless! Apparently, you get booted out of your foster home so it was just good fortunate that Wendy was accepted to Berkley, which miraculously had the same matriculation date as her birthday. Reading her testimonial entry, I wanted to cry. If someone like her can "make it", can achieve so much, then surely, I, a 22-something with few disadvantages, can also achieve my goals.
Another sad aspect to her story was the fact that she was separated from her younger brother for many years while they resided in different foster homes. If I was separated from my 11-year-old sister, Erica, or my 32 year old brother, Paul, or my 19-year old sister, Orlene, whom, contrary to my parents' belief, I do love very much also, I would be heartbroken. As I've grown older, my siblings have become better friends and I love them now more than I ever did before...but part of life is making memories with your loved ones. To not be given the chance because you were so far and didn't know where your family members were and because you had to wake up super early to go to your job...it's unfair. I think a lot of things are wrong in America. I think college shouldn't cost so much. I think Americans should stop being so bloody materialistic. I think, on the whole, everyone ought to share more and they don't, that everyone should chill out, get away from the paper chase...I hate that. The paper chase. Why? Why? We should focus on doing what we enjoy and being with our loved ones but often times Americans get wrapped up in superficial stuff. But...I'm focusing on the negative now and that isn't part of my life, my new life as begun this year. Positive energy.
Seeing people who are doing what they enjoy, living life, is very inspirational. It was nice to see this lady enjoy her new fashion-related job, being radiant and shining. And it made me want to be radiant and shining too. So hurrah for living to your full potential--Señor O'Connell used to say that. During Spanish class, he would roar: "GIRLS, WORK TO YOUR FULL POTENTIAL. YOU BETTER BE WORKING TO YOUR FULL POTENTIAL." And he would strike the fear of God in us so that we would DO OUR SPANISH HOMEWORK like we wanted to learn the language, "not just for a grade."
I like that.
- Being home
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- go_jess_go
- December 22nd, 2011
yay
There's a lot to say and yet nothing to say. Simple.
- A Moment of Pride 4 Years Ago
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- go_jess_go
- December 10th, 2011
800Critical Reading/790Writing/680Math
2270/2400 = .9458
Apparently we need to know our SAT scores for some med school apps. God, please let my MCAT be as ok as my SAT scores.
The really funny thing is, when my college advisor fished them out for me, I felt proud. At the time I got them four years ago, I just moved on. I was actually a little worried about my math score. I was so focused on getting into one school. I was on some wonky, high-speed train to negative-energy-ville. I didn't have time for things like pride. I think that has benefits and costs. I'm still a little bit that way. For example, whenever I get a poor score, I simmer like a hot pot (goofy, sporadic fits of angst is more accurate). When I get a good score, I don't say anything. I just nod and carry on.
I think that, if I could do everything again, I would have taken an offer from a college that gave me more money and was closer to home. Why was I so eager to leave home? Especially now that it has a TV that talks to the interwebs. It's so much easier to concentrate when you don't have to worry about food and rent and things. And when you have a 10 year old sister to bring your life back into perspective--I think most people are happiest when they're not focusing on themselves.
Overall I'm really happy with how my collegiate life is ending. I learned a lot. I think I received really excellent training and had more than enough resources at my disposal. I had great professors. I met/am meeting some really brilliant, driven kids.
And now I'm off to continue studying for finals.
The WORST part about Physics 2 is that I legitimately need this. I forgot that. It doesn't appear so much on the MCAT, I think, but the material in Physics 2 DEFINITELY comes back in Neurophysiology which I'm taking next semester. Blergh. ALSO the curve in my physiology class is a huge pain. I don't know how the chips will fall. It's the honors section and the whole class is filled with wanna-be premeds. Everything depends on how your peers do. I thought my 90% on the last unit was ok, but all of my good friends got much higher. I found myself, originally satisfied, thinking "Woosh. Ok this could save my grade.", suddenly filled with dread and heckling myself about 6points! I had forgotten to put filtration percentages along the nephron of the kidney because I just hadn't read that subset of the question and so I lost 6 points completely unnecessarily--I *know* what the filtration percentages are! PLEASE. I took a whole bloody course on homeostasis. OF COURSE I know what the percentages are! Blerg. Done done this entry. Talk about focusing on myself!
- Gurrl, please. I love doing these. 2
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- go_jess_go
- November 21st, 2011
- 51. What is your favorite type of food? so much. spam and rice. pbj. ice cream ice cream. froyo. truffles. etc etc
- 52. Do you ever want to get married? yes
- 53. Who was your first kiss with? omg i will tell you when it happens!
- 54. Have you ever been cheated on? no
- 55. What is your idea of the perfect date? balloon ride!
- 56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? i say introvert but i think anyone in college or high school would say otherwise.
- 57. Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets? yes
- 58. What talent do you wish you'd been born with? i wish i could teleport. but no seriously, i wish i had a photographic memory. how useful. sometimes inconvenient but overal useful
- 59. What is your saddest memory? when my grandpa died
- 60. Do you believe in love at first sight? no. definitely no. that's bullshit. i believe in cute "meet cute" stories but love at first sight? no.
- 61. Do you believe in soul mates? yes
- 62. Have you ever dyed your hair? yes
- 63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? no i don't think so
- 64. Would you go against your moral code for money? no
- 65. What are three things most people don't know about you? despite resembling a headless chicken most of the time, i can get things done. seriously. uhmmmmm i don't wash my clothes that often. i don't have an abnormally large closet i don't think maybe it's a bit large but i just don't think you need to wash a sweater after waering it for like four hours, or your PJs if you literally only wear them for 8hrs and you're always only in your room/house when you wear them, assuming your house is like mine and is super sterile clean.
- 66. Who are you jealous of?
- 67. Do you sleep with a stuffed toy? yea.
- 68. How long was your longest relationship? n/a
- 69. Is the glass half empty or half full? half full for sure for sure
- 70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? COOK
- 71. Who is your most loyal friend? i am blessed with many great great friends
- 72. Are you in a relationship? no
- 73. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?
- 74. Are you a bad person? i don't know. probably.
- 75. Are you a lover or a fighter? a lover. i want to say fighter because the last question riled me up but no.
- 76. What did you do on your last birthday? went to dinner, studied for my graduate level advanced neuro elective final. Yeah. YEAH.
- 77. What is your favorite quote and why? "What matters is what you do with the cards you have" or osmething like that and "you only need three things in life: someone to love, something to hope for, and something to do."
- 78. If your best friend died, what would you do? obviously i would cry and my life would be irreversibly changed forever until i died and it would be awful
- 79. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? i would have told my HS self to apply for early acceptance programs and I woul dhave told my younger self to study harder for the SATs and SAT II's and I would have told my younger self not to take trig with Mrs. Riley. THat was a bad move.
- 80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? what i do on a normal day. my normal days are good.
- 81. What is the strangest dream you've ever had? i dreamt i was this motorcycle driving, Tron-esque outfit-wearing, body guard to some futuristic queen lady who lived in a crystal castle. basically i dreamed i was a more modern version of the sailor scouts in crystal tokyo.
- 82. Are you happier single or in a relationship? i've only ever been single so i cannot really say; however, i think, at this stage in my life, the focus really has to be on me. I spoke with a surgeon friend/acquaintance of mine, and he said that looking back on his life it was the natural order of things for his attention to shift. when he was young it was all about focusing on his career, his learning--being a little self-centered essentially and now he's older, his kids are grown, and the focus is on other people (his kids, his wife, his patients, etc.) and so I think, right now, at this stage in my life, i'm happier single.
- 83. Who were you in a past life? i was once told by a fortune teller that i was an old soul that had lived many many times. i bet i was just a normal chick/dude whatever. I don't know if gender carries over lifetime to lifetime if there ever are lifetimes. whatevs.
- 84. What is your happiest childhood memory? swimming in the pool and playing with my siblings
- 85. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? i've been the object of some unrequited crushes and yes definitely i've had unrequited crushes. but they fade. the only serious serious serious crush i've ever had was three years ago for this one kid. i see now that it would just never ever have worked out. not because he's bad or i'm bad but our personalities are just really inappropriate. i was so drawn to his together ness but he's definitely way too conservative and straight laced to handle my goofiness and underlying liberal democratic nature.
- 86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend? when i was little yeah.
- 87. If you were the president, what would you do? legalize gay marriage, pay teachers more, change the healthcare system/break statelines for insurance companies
- 88. What is your ideal career? physician-researcher/biotech advisor-global health policy
- 89. What is your political affiliation? democratic
- 90. Are you conservative or liberal? i'm pretty conservative in my speech and dress and spending habits i think but my underlying tendencies are pretty liberal
- 91. Is the male or female body closest to perfection? oh geeze we are not going here
- 92. Do you like kissing in public? no i don't think i would if i were in a relationship. i'm not intensely opposed but i do think that's unnecessary
- 93. If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change? i would get rid of reality tv and this awful consumer, materialistic culture that has pervaded the country. it's disgusting. sometimes i feel as if i too have succumbed but i hope not. i just know this girl in my class said something absurd about how she was going to threaten her father with her death if she didn't this one shirt that was on sale at banana republic. i was so surprised.
- 94. Where would you like to live? Mmm good question. DC maybe. Not too too cold.
- 95. Where would you go on your dream vacation? Singapore! or south korea
- 96. Describe yourself in one word. goof
- 97. Describe yourself in one sentence. i can write a pretty mean run on sentence
- Gurrl, please. I love doing these.
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- go_jess_go
- November 21st, 2011
Please?
- 1. What's your middle name? Marie
- 2. What are you listening to right now? We Turn It Up by Oh Land
- 3. What was the last thing you ate? Some kind of overpriced BS from this new restaurant that opened. It was like a turkey sandwich. The side was supposed to be a salad but they got my order wrong and by the time I arrived home, I had potatoes. >:O
- 4. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Brent
- 5. Do you drink? No, not really. No.
- 6. Do you smoke? No. Definite no.
- 7. What is the first thing you noticed in someone? Their clothing I guess.
- 8. What is your hair color? Black
- 9. What is your eye color? Brown
- 10. Do you wear contacts/glasses? Yes
- 11. Dogs or cats? No.
- 12. What's your favorite animal? Puppiesss.
- 13. What's your favorite television show? Sherlock probably.
- 14. What's your favorite movie? She's the Man
- 15. What's your favorite band/singer? Rufus Wainwright or Billy Joel. Tied maybe. Maybe Rufus wins.
- 16. How old are you? 21! WHOA!
- 17. Do you have a crush on anyone? No
- 18. What's your sexual orientation? Male.
- 19. What's your favorite color? Yellow
- 20. What was your most embarrassing moment?When I attempted to jump the tennis net during tennis practice and stepped on it and cried and cried and cried.
- 21. Do you ever wish you were someone else? Hmm. No, not really. Sometimes I wish I were one of Angelina Jolie's globe trotting, private tutor/pseudoschool/actually playing with giant turtles kids.
- 22. What were you like when you were a kid? Serious. Dead serious.
- 23. What would your dream house be like? An apartment within walking distance of everything. So I could walk/bike.
- 24. What last made you laugh? Canal+'s "Borgia" HOLY COW. That business was INSANE. I do this thing where I like fast forward through a TV show/try to find episode summaries online because that's enough for me. I don't need to actually watch (The walking dead and Sherlock are exceptions, there might be others. Dexter might be an exception too.) ANYWAY, that show was craziness.
- 25. What is your favorite word? "Boss"
- 26. What is your least favorite word? None
- 27. What turns you on? Goofiness, self-assuredness
- 28. What turns you off? Arrogance (such a fine, fine line)
- 29. What is your star sign? Sagittarius
- 30. What are your favorite books? So many.
- 31. Do you have any siblings? 3
- 32. Do you like to dance? Yeah
- 33. What is your definition of cheating? kissy faces
- 34. Have you ever cheated on someone? no
- 35. Do you regret anything? hmm. not being a better student. like a self-disciplined, I have a game plan type student. That would be cool. I'm still not really there.
- 36. Do you have any phobias? no i don't think so.
- 37. Ever broken any bones? no. thank goodness!
- 38. Ever come close to death? uhm there was that one time in the car with kelsey...
- 39. What is your religion, if any? catholic
- 40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? no, not really.
- 41. Are looks important in a relationship? any sensitive soul appreciates beauty, so yes. they are a variable. one variable.
- 42. Are you more like your mom or your dad? i'm a mix they always say, so i'll go with that.
- 43. What is your favorite season? all seasons!! i love living on the east coast where the seasons change.
- 44. Do you have any tattoos? no
- 45. Do you have any piercings? ears
- 46. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? zero
- 47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? yes totes
- 48. Who is your celebrity crush? matthew goode. beautiful man. also young channing tatum who says ridiculous things (both in character and in the commentaries, so both "Duke Orsino" and Channing himself haha)
- 49. Are you a virgin? Yes
- 50. Do you get jealous easily? no
- Nausea/A Low
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- go_jess_go
- November 12th, 2011
Wooh. Wooh. Breath.
I didn't want to say it but the truth,
the vent is that this might
truly
be the worst semester of my life.
I feel nauseas.
I am actually nauseas with stress and worry,
physically gagging. Ugh. Oh God.
Even when
I was taking Homeostasis
and Functional Neuroanatomy, I didn't feel
like this. I didn't feel
so
paralyzed
with fear. And that was a LOT A LOT of stuff to memorize in short amounts of time and a LOT A LOT of stuff to synthesize cohesively.
I just feel
as if everyone is off to
medical school interviews and doing
what I should be doing if I hadn't been so weirded out and
I'm studying this material that I don't really care for (Physics Lab and Physics 2).
Oh God. I just want to take care of old people/operate.
The stress is compounded by the fact that I am watching my friends go off on these interviews and get blanket rejections and wait-listed. People who get 40 MCATs (that puts you in like the top 2% of scores), people have ridiculously wonderful, pristine GPAs. My GPA is good (which the Neuro advisor repetitively points out to me because she keeps forgetting who I am, so every semester I meet with her I get this reflexive
nod and "Beautiful, beautiful." and scroll scroll
as she thinks "what classes does this girl need to finish the major?" scroll scroll)
Ugh. Ahhg. Physics 2 seriously isn't even that bad. I just did poorly on the first test and now I'm all "I HATE electromagnetism! I HATE IT! RAWR!" And then I lay on my bed and cry tearlessly,
silently,
listlessly, wishing I could invest myself in superficial things like
"Immortals", "Snow White and the Huntsmen", "Twilight 3 whatever it's called" or whatever whatever random movie is there.
GOD GOD. I need to get it together. As Kelly's Africana dance studies teacher would say "IT MUST BE SO!" Hip hip gyrate gyrate SWAY. I can save an 85. An 85 is worth saving. It is doable. I must have faith. I must study. I must. I must. I can I can. Just like the little engine that could, my favorite children's book. DEEP EXPIRATION OUT.
- Never Let Me Go
-
- go_jess_go
- November 4th, 2011
I come here and imagine that this is the spot where everything I've lost since my childhood is washed out. I tell myself, if that were true, and I waited long enough then a tiny figure would appear on the horizon across the field and gradually get larger until I'd see it was Tommy. He'd wave. And maybe call. I don't know if the fantasy go beyond that, I can't let it. I remind myself I was lucky to have had any time with him at all. What I'm not sure about, is if our lives have been so different from the lives of the people we save. We all complete. Maybe none of us really understand what we've lived through, or feel we've had enough time.
-Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishigiro
I still remember being a junior in high school and reading this book and crying, crying, crying my eyes out. It was so poignant.
